Healing from Conflict: Repair & Co-regulation
Fights happen. Disagreements and hurt feelings are a part of life. Sometimes we can't access our highest selves. Sometimes we’re just being jerks!
The key is in repairing the relationship after a fight - or right in the middle of it once you get good at these skills! Repairing is a powerful tool that can turn something painful into something that can actually help you grow closer to the other person. When we repair, we are creating secure attachment. Repair helps people feel safe in relationship and allows their nervous system to regulate.
People always say it takes two to fight. But the neat thing about many of these repair skills is that they work even if the other person isn't a willing participant! (They even work on fit-throwing toddlers and sulking teens!)
First and foremost, it is crucial to give the other person and yourself the benefit of the doubt. The vast majority of the time people are not intentionally being malicious. They are coming from an unconscious place of deep hurt, many times stemming from childhood (most of us didn’t have parents that knew how to repair or co-regulate!) Most people are unaware of how what they are doing or saying is affecting the other. They are just playing out old patterns of trauma stored deep in their psyche and soma.
When you are incapable of seeing the other as generally good and well intentioned, you run the risk of painting them as the “bad guy” and the enemy. Now, as someone recovering from victim consciousness, I’ll be the first to admit that it feels good to be the “good guy” and to be right. But, I have a saying, “You can be right and still be an asshole.” And sometimes being “right” isn’t worth being in conflict or damaging your relationship.
To go deeper with this, “right” is subjective. It might just be possible that the other person is also correct in their thinking, feeling and behaving according to their own version of reality! The point is, it is necessary to first be open to another’s point of view and have empathy for their unique experience.
Regulation
Once you have your own head right about “being right,” you’ll likely need to regulate your own nervous system. (For more on regulation see my blog Stop Getting Triggered.) Maybe you just need to take a few deep breaths or maybe you need to take a walk. But it is important to start with regulating yourself before moving into repair.
Co-regulation
If regulation is helping you to calm your own nervous system, co-regulation is helping the other person's nervous system to calm. Through your calm and loving presence (and utilizing the tips below), you can activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and restore” system) of another and help to ease their tension. This can be done through body language, actions or words.
Co-regulation is an amazing tool to use with children. Through co-regulation, we teach them to regulate their own nervous systems. Think of a toddler having a meltdown. When a loving caregiver simply sits with them, or holds them gently through their tantrum, you can visibly see their bodies go from a state of rigidity to relaxation.
Co-regulation removes the space between you and another. Through these practices, you can develop a deeper recognition of the sameness in the other. You can employee an embodied and energetic practice of repair, beyond just conversation. Working to repair your nervous system on a heart and soul level.
Try on these co-regulation techniques with your loved ones during times of low stress to hone your skills for when you need them.
Eye gazing: Holding each other’s gaze for 30-60 seconds with a relaxed (or smiling) face and calm breath.
Breath synchronization: Either face-to-face or back-to-back, without speaking, mindfully bring your attention to the other’s breath. Try syncing your breath to match the other’s.
Physical touch: Extended and purposeful hand holding or heart-to-heart hugs.
Combine any or all of the above!
All of these practices should help align your emotional states and create a sense of deep connection. The more you practice, the better you’ll get! Some report experiencing a profound sense of oneness from these sessions.
These same techniques can be used even if you do not have a willing partner to practice with!
Eye contact: Eye contact creates a sense of being heard and understood for the other person.
Breath synchronization: You can practice breath synchronization and it will have the same effect even if the other person is unaware of it!
Physical touch: If wanted, placing your hand on the other person’s hand or shoulder can communicate the desire to bridge a gap.
Along with the above co-regulation techniques, add:
Active listening
Showing empathy and understanding
Validating emotions
Expressing appreciation
Fights can many times be avoided in the first place by using co-regulation during times of higher stress. But, if you find yourself on the other side of a conflict, consider using these techniques, combined with the above co-regulation techniques, to repair:
Get consent to talk about it: Rather than jumping right into, “I'm upset and need to talk,” ask the other person when they would be able to listen. A good way to put this might be, “I have something I'd like to talk about whenever you have the capacity.”
Remember to regulate your own nervous system first: Take some deep breaths or take a little walk. Clear any anger or anxiety from your body as much as possible before going into repair. It's hard to be present for repair when emotions are high.
Speak using “I” statements: This goes a long way to not sound too critical. The NVC model is, “When I see/hear…. I feel…. Because I am wanting/needing….”
Listen without judgment or interruption: Sometimes it's good to reflect back what you hear the other person say to make sure you actually understand, e.g., “I hear you saying that it hurt you when I didn't call.” Take a minute to get curious and get clarity.
Validate the others point of view: Don't debate, validate! Even if you disagree, validate the other person's reality. This is a magic phrase, “That makes sense.”
Come to terms: Agree on ways you can be/do better in the future.
Forgive and/or apologize.
If you had success with these techniques, I would LOVE to hear about it!
