Stop getting triggered! Feel your feelings & alchemize your emotions.

Feeling all the feels…

Want to know how to stop getting TRIGGERED?

I used to be a very reactive person. You could have kindly called me a “spitfire” - meaning I didn't know how to “control my emotions.” But, do emotions really need to be controlled? As a woman, is it even healthy to try to control them? 

Having a temper tantrum, exploding in rage, freaking out on someone…this used to be a successful way for me to protect myself from harm (whether that harm be perceived emotional or physical harm). Being reactive served me for many years. Until it didn't. 

My explosions had served to protect me in the past. My tantrums scaring away potential threats. But when I “freaked out” on my current husband during an especially nasty fight, he freaked out back - harder. So, over the years, I taught myself to control my emotions. I carefully tempered myself so as not to wake the beast in him. 

Great. Problem solved, right? I learned to be a good wife instead of a mean harpy. Wrong. I became bitter and resentful. It turns out stuffing down your emotions doesn't make them go away. It makes for an unused store of them. A wellspring of negativity waiting to bubble up. All of the anger, the mean things I wanted to say, the disappointment, the hurt, all of the words that I bit back over the years lived deep down in the pit of my stomach - and they turned very sour.

The “bad feelings” would bubble up as expertly executed intellectual cut downs and delighted “I-told-you-so’s” when he would fail. Maybe I wasn't letting my pain and anger out in a loud burst, but it was definitely finding its way out in other ways. 

I would also try to soothe my own hurt feelings that could not be expressed. This tended to take two shapes: one was by prescribing myself an antidote, like drinking wine or going shopping. And the other was commiseration; getting together with girlfriends and trashing our husbands, or trashing men in general.

Escapism and commiseration didn't really work any better than stuffing my feelings down. I spent a lot of years feeling like I was a victim that could not escape her fate. But victim consciousness got old. And along my path to bettering myself in all ways, I came across a practice that has helped me to alchemize my emotions, therefore changing my relationship with them and the people I interact with.

I first learned of “alchemizing emotions” from Dr Kelly Brogan. For those of you who don't know what alchemy is, it's essentially transforming shit into gold. Dr Brogan's work taught me to lean into my upset as a portal to alchemy. She calls this “entering through the upset,” and this has served me immensely since learning the practice. Not just in dealing with my husband, but in dealing with any unpleasant emotions that arise. ​​

This practice isn't about labeling your unpleasant emotions as “bad” and turning them into emotions that are “good”. This practice is about transmuting your emotions by recognizing them, honoring them and giving them a home in your body. In this way, you are working on changing your relationship with your emotions more than striving to change the emotion itself. Essentially, our unpleasant emotions become opportunities to learn more about ourselves and become more whole people.

This practice has created salient breakthroughs for me. More than once, I have been in the middle of really getting into my feelings of anger and victimhood, and then in a moment of clarity have been able to recognize the old pattern I was embodying. I could then transmute the feelings so quickly that I literally burst out into laughter! It was as if the negativity was leaving me like a deflating balloon and all that was left was feelings of lightness - and surprise.

If my story resonates with you, or if you’re curious about how you could alchemize your emotions, try these tips the next time you feel triggered. Remember, every time you experience an upset, it is an opportunity to hone your skills!

When you're triggered in a conversation with someone else: 

Take a breath. Before you speak, take three deep breaths, exhaling for one beat longer than your inhale. This signals to your nervous system to calm down.

Take a break. Excuse yourself to the bathroom. When you get upset, adrenaline and cortisol flood your system. And they then take time to subside. If you don’t think you can be your higher self at the moment of upset, say something like, “I need to give this some more thought. Can I come back to you a little later to finish this conversation?” This honors your needs while also caring for the feelings of the other person.

When you are not in an immediately confronting situation:

Allow yourself to really feel your feelings. Take 30 to 60 seconds and just sit with the uncomfortable feeling. 

Investigate. Where does the feeling live? Is it caught in your throat? Or the pit of your stomach? Or is it a weight on your shoulders? 

What does it look like? Is it a black cloud? Or a pouring rain?

What does it taste like? Is it bitter? Does it taste like fire?

Allow this feeling to exist. Get to know it. Accept it. 

Acknowledge your feelings. Ask this feeling: What is it there for? How is it serving you? Is it protecting you? 

Let it go. Thank this feeling for serving you in that way. Thank yourself for caring for yourself. And then recognize that this way of protecting yourself is no longer serving you, and allow it to pass. 

When you take time to care for yourself in this way, you are accessing your higher self. Like a loving grandmother, you are holding yourself as you ride the wave of your emotions and come to their conclusion. Emerging on the other side more whole and aware.

If you try these practices, I would love to hear about your results! Please always feel welcome to reach out to me via email, my website, Instagram or Facebook. And if you ever want to take a deeper dive, I'm available for one-on-one coaching in the area of alchemizing your emotions.